just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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