oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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