Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He shit in the fireplace
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
