i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
