I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
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Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
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He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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