Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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