My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
