I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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