there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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