i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
