Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
