i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
