i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
