Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
