I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
my poor anus
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
