you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
i've created a new STD.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think people are normalizing furries
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
