I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
