woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
