Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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