Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
