I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
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Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
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one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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