Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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