I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
