history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We are all done wearing pants today
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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