nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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