I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
