I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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