I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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