new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
