i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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