im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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