I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
