What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
