I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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