I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
