I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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