My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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