You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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