Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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