Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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