I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
