someone threw a dead crab at me
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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