I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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