Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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