My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
