i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I am spending my child support on dildos
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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