new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
