Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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