peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
