i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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