Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
