I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
