My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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