This show inspires me to have sex in space
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
