quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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