fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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