enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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