I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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