Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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