Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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