dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
