Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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